Monday, May 04, 2009


Artist Rendering of the Magic Martian Teapot. This is also a proof that the teapot exists, beyond reasonable doubt.
I found it on google, but what google knows is far inferior than what the magic teapot does.
There's a teapot orbiting Mars, too small to be seen by any telescope, and yet everyone knows is there.

Why? because it's there, we can't see it because we're not good enough. We don't have the technology. The teapot is so small that it would take you 200 martian years in a space craft endlessly circling the red planet to find it.

The teapot is all powerful, and can read everyone's mind at any given moment. It knows everything, literally. Like from what's the favorite color of Abe to what Michelle Obama's gonna wear on July 4th this year. Hard to believe eh? but it's true. It also controls everything in existence, from whatever natural disaster it decides to put us through, or if the stock market will keep going down.

The psychic teapot isn't just any teapot. It would also exact vengeance on those who choose not to believe. It is said that upon death, those who didn't believe would have their souls sucked into the teapot, stuck to the ceramic inside like peanuts to a granola bar. Painfully, and slowly, the teapot absorbs the souls energy to fuel its psychic and magical prowess. And said soul would be suffering for eternity, in a gooey, cramped space with many other souls, with only one bathroom.

How do people know it's true? Obviously there had been some messengers in the past. about 200 years ago, the teapot sent a small version of itself to our lowly mortal world, part of itself, but not exactly itself. The little teapot made a huge splash in the mortal world. Some movies made references to it, such as Beauty and the Beast, and we all know that movie is the truest of all historical accounts. And if you foul, wretched a-teapotist ever dare to doubt the authenticity, the scriptures written on your everyday teapot, read by a knowing eye, would tell you everything you need to know. We can find remnant of the castle in the movie, and you can see everywhere the teapot has been to. And it is true that by drinking the tea from the teapot, it has restored sight to a blind man, and make the lame walk again.

The teapot is also not without compassion. It rewards those who believe. Once fulfilled the requirements, the devout could ascend to the teapot heaven, where the Detroit Pistons (or your favorite sports team) win every year. Up at the heaven, they serve philly cheese steak every Friday, and you don't have to worry about cholesterol at all. Of course, they also serve a variety of food, especially for people with exotic tastes. The particularly good ones include the very delicious Szechuan Tofu for the vegetarians, and they also have kiwi fruit sorbet and a host of other yummy delicacies for dessert. However, unfortunately while we're in our mortal shell we won't be able to go there yet. And we can't forcibly shatter the shell, because that, like intentionally shattering a teapot, is a big no-no. There are many requirements to fulfill too:

1) You must take care of your tea pots
2) If you make tea, you musn't waste it, unless the tea has been stale or something gross happened to it, or you really don't want to drink it anymore.
3) If you accidentally shatter your teapots, you must bury it and mourn for 3 days. Then you shall live 3 weeks of a teapotless life, then you will be allowed to get a new one.

I am trying to save you from eternal suffering. But I know many of you won't listen. Like Richard Dawkins once spoke out against us in his book. I hope he enjoys the smell of ceramic.

1 comment:

Godzilla The Lizard King said...

i see someone has been reading mr dawkins.

About this blog

A lot of stuff about what I think, and not what I am about. Which is good, because I would be able to make fun of Notre Dame, Wisconsin, Penn State, and discuss on our futility against Ohio State. (But Woo Shoelace!)

I still think the word "god" should not be capitalized, because like oxygen or air or universe, it's an entity, and is not specific or special in its meaning.