Insider: U - Michigan Biochemistry Department to develop anti viral vaccine.

Ann Arbor, MI- According to an insider at the U-M Biochemical research lab, U-M is currently developing an antiviral vaccine in light of coming events. U-M is slated to have an expedition squad into State College this Saturday. State College, home to the Pennsylvania State University, is a city infested with the T-virus, where victims of the horrid disease randomly attacks living human beings, and in the process transmit the disease to them.

Heavily geared and armed with rifles, grenades, and a lot of medipacks, the squad will attempt to remove any traces of the T-virus, amidst screams of "NOOOO!!!", "BRAAAINNNS!!", and "COME TO PENN STHAAATEE!"

T-virus is believed to have originated from Joe "Zombie King" Paterno and the virus quickly transmitted campus wide. The epidemic is quickly going out of control, and is believed to have escalated since it was first discovered 12 years ago. Each year, the U-M squad will attempt to suppress the crisis by obliterating any victims of the disease. For 12 years now, the Michigan squad has accomplished the mission, although not without close calls, as Michigan learned with a last second turn around in 2005.

Outlook for this years squad is bleak, as the T-virus has mutated significantly, with their new "Spread HD" which stands for Spread High Definition, meaning no human will be spared. Will the Zombie King finally reign control over humanity? Or will the Michigan squad emerge victorious, again? Only time will tell.

forgive me Father for I have sinned

I have wronged You, and I have come to pay penance.

I have called Utah a mormon state, and for hating polygamists.
I have made fun of Charlie Weis's diet one time too many, and have decided his 10 year contract 10 years too long.
I have called Illinois the Big Ten doormat, where real Big Ten teams rub their toes all over them before going stepping through the door.
I have called Toledo rockets that flew nowhere, and decided against watching it.

And then,

I have called Joe "the Zombie" Paterno futile against Michigan after more than a decade long of losing streak.
I have repeatedly called State our little brother when we clearly aren't (real) siblings, because we would never let our little brother pack our groceries.
I have refused to admit to using snake-oil and wizardry to lure players from under Joe "diabeetus" Tiller's nose, although we really only needed to extend an offer to any of their recruits to get them to come.
I have repeatedly accused Minnesota for stealing our Jug, although it belongs to us because we did buy it, nevertheless I shall henceforth refer to it as borrowing without permission.
I have made fun of Northwestern for being Northwestern.
Last but not least, I made the attempt to foil the criminal mastermind Jim Tressel of his acts, and (insert Maurice Clarette joke here).

I beg of you, I have come to repent my sins. And I want my season back. Now.