forgive me Father for I have sinned

I have wronged You, and I have come to pay penance.

I have called Utah a mormon state, and for hating polygamists.
I have made fun of Charlie Weis's diet one time too many, and have decided his 10 year contract 10 years too long.
I have called Illinois the Big Ten doormat, where real Big Ten teams rub their toes all over them before going stepping through the door.
I have called Toledo rockets that flew nowhere, and decided against watching it.

And then,

I have called Joe "the Zombie" Paterno futile against Michigan after more than a decade long of losing streak.
I have repeatedly called State our little brother when we clearly aren't (real) siblings, because we would never let our little brother pack our groceries.
I have refused to admit to using snake-oil and wizardry to lure players from under Joe "diabeetus" Tiller's nose, although we really only needed to extend an offer to any of their recruits to get them to come.
I have repeatedly accused Minnesota for stealing our Jug, although it belongs to us because we did buy it, nevertheless I shall henceforth refer to it as borrowing without permission.
I have made fun of Northwestern for being Northwestern.
Last but not least, I made the attempt to foil the criminal mastermind Jim Tressel of his acts, and (insert Maurice Clarette joke here).

I beg of you, I have come to repent my sins. And I want my season back. Now.